I'm finally back to blogging....now that my sweet hubby got me a new laptop, I don't have to wait for his to be available to write. I'm so excited to post more regularly as the weeks come!
Something about this time of year makes me nostalgic and reflective. With college graduates moving away from our sphere of influence and high school graduates inching closer, I tend to look back at my own high school and college days and reflect and who I was then, who I am now, and the roads taken to get here.
Some of you reading may have known me in high school, but most of you did not. Let me start out by saying that if you went to high school with me and you are surprised by some of the perceptions of myself from high school, please know this is not an attempt at fishing for compliments or a self-esteem boost. This post is mostly just reflecting on seeing my high school journey from a new perspective. It's something I have been wanting to write out for awhile and finally have the words to put to it.
I grew up in Rogers, Arkansas (Go Mounties!) back when there was only one high school. If I had to classify mysef into a subset of the Rogers High school population, I guess I would label myself as part of the "overachievers club." Yes, I was one of those crazy students that would be upset with a "B"....I actually told my husband the other night that I cried when I opened my letter with my AP score and found out I had made a 3, instead of a 4 or a 5. It completely devastated me for a couple of days. Geez. It was boderline ridiculous. Actually, let's call it what it was...it was my idol. Grades and accomplishments was what drove me and gave me joy.
I was also in the band. And the jazz band. Oh, and I took piano lessons....you get the picture. Overachiever music girl. And my dad was my band director....overachiever music girl who doesn't get in trouble...lol!
To be honest, I was never comfortable in my own skin in high school. When I look at my confidence level know as compared to then, it looks pretty abysmal. I had friends who liked me, good grades, plenty of extracurricular activities to make most colleges satisfied....but I felt very uncomfortable being the good girl with good grades who never got into trouble because I felt like I was viewed as boring...I felt invisible a lot of the time. I didn't feel thankful for the way the Lord had gifted me. I wanted other gifts....like some hand/eye coordination.....something that got me a letterman jacket. Even though I was already a follower of Christ and I desired to serve him, I felt alone in my walk some of the time. I felt like sometimes I didn't have anyone to talk to about the things the Lord was doing in my heart. I didn't know how to talk to people outside my circle of friends. I felt like everyone who looked at me was secretly laughing at me. I felt like an outsider. I stuck out. I didn't fit the status quo. And to be completely honest, I kind of wanted to be an insider...I mean, I wanted to be one of the kids in the "popular" crowd. I wanted to be in the same circle of friends that Troy Bolton in High School Musical (OMG....yes I totally went there..) was in. Just writing all this down makes me sad for that old version of me. How many things did I miss out on because of being so wrapped up in others opinions of me? How many days did I waste with thoughts of wanting what others had instead of what the Lord had so graciously given me (contentment seems to be a lesson I have to keep coming back to to learn).
But looking back I see the BLESSSING in the path the Lord took me through in high school. This is the lovely thing about being in my 30's now...I have gained some perspective and a small bit of wisdom, not much, but some. Looking back now, I see how the Lord was preparing me for a life of counting the cost of following him. He was working when I was the girl that felt like I stuck out for sticking to the call of Christ on my life...when it meant no dates or fewer invites to hang out. He was working in my heart as I learned how to discipline myself in studying for classes so I could transfer that love of learning to learning more about Him. He was there, with me in the nights in my bedroom when I felt alone and felt the sting of rejection and he was teaching me that what I was looking for in relationships with others, I could find perfectly and more abundantly in my relationship with him. I see the Lord's provision in how he protected me from tempting situations and gave me a circle of friends in high school that,while we did goofy things, they weren't dangerous or reckless. Most of all, God has taken that much afraid girl,who thought her good grades and achievements were the only things that she had to offer, and replaced her with a woman who knows she has nothing to offer the King of Kings...because even her best is as filthy rags. He has replaced her confidence in worldly, shallow things, like the accolades of men, with confidence in Christ. I guess I have known for a long time that God was going to call me to live a life different than most people and he started breaking me of the desire of what was status quo all the way back when I was 15.
Here's the other part of the blessing....even though for a season (a long season) I felt like an outsider, and although I still feel like an alien and stranger in this world, the Lord has been so good to give me Himself in exchange for my loneliness during those high school years. And as he has filled me up and I have learned that he is my source for everything, he has been so faithful to open my eyes to the great cloud of witnesses I have been surrounded by, past and present. He has shown me what good, solid friendships look like that are based on a common bond of the love of his son. He has shown me how to cross the borders of my comfort zone and forge friendships with those who don't look, think, or act like me.
My hope in writing this is that if you feel like you don't fit in, even as one who is in Christ, that you will RUN and CLING to Him in your loneliness. I feel like the Lord will take us all through seasons like this because it teaches us to rely ONLY on Him for our satisfaction, comfort, and confidence. The gift of not feeling like we fit in is knowing we must be on the right path! Because God calls us to identify ourselves with Him and when we do that, he moves in our lives, and puts in us not only a desire to follow him, but a longing....a longing which this world can't satisfy but one day will be satisfied when we go home to be with HIM! High school students....don't trade in the lures of the world for 3 years of popularity...look to Christ. College students, don't trade in what you want right now for what will come later according to God's plan Look to Christ. The words of this old hymn are in my mind as I'm typing:
Oh, soul are you weary and troubled
No light in the darkness you see.
There's light for a look at the savior
And life more abundant and free.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in his wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of his glory and grace.
