Empty

Did anyone else's week last week seem like everyday was a Monday (in the worst way)? Mine did.  It was one of those weeks that leaves you feeling like you just got spit out of a tornado and you're not quite sure where you landed.  It was a week filled with tears, tantrums, and trials. (and alliterations apparently).  

It's not uncommon for us to have stretches of days where we (or just Cole ) has something going.  We actually have 17 day stretch in the next couple of weeks where we (ok, mostly Cole) has an activity, out of town trip, or event planned every day.  They are always challenging, but mostly sanctifying for everyone involved.  

The worst day actually came on Tuesday ( I know, seriously....I couldn't even make it through Tuesday before losing it).  Monday had been long because Cole was out of town.  Tuesday was the first day of Wee Care at our church.  I was super excited for the older kiddos to get some fun time and for me to get a bit of a break; my kiddos, however, missed the excitement train and got on the meltdown wagon instead.  Even my Jitterbug, who is my happy, social girl, had a complete meltdown.  I wish I could say it was one glittering, sorrowful tear, but no...it was a cling to mama, pleading, screaming kind of meltdown.  It was one of those moments where it really stinks to be the adult.  You really just want to pick up your kid and say, "Never mind, this is hard, so we aren't going to do this," but we would just have to go through the same thing again on Thursday if we didn't fight the battle now.  So I bit my lip, pried her off of me, told her I would see her after lunch, and did what any other self-respecting mama would do.....waited until I got into the hallway and melted into a puddle while two of my close friends held me and let me cry.  Talk about humbling...and somewhat humilating, if I'm really honest. Does anyone else hate to cry in front of others, or is it just me?  I just felt like I was showing the world I couldn't keep it together.  

Tuesday afternoon came with a battle of wills during naptime.  And in my mind I knew Tuesday night was coming...with at least 10 college students coming into our home to have a small group.  I already felt so incredibly undone.  How in the world can I keep it together while we try to minister to these students?  I'm supposed to hold it together, right?!  Tuesday night came with students in our home who had great discussion on community and stayed afterward to hang out.  But while the discussion was going on, I was in the back room dealing with a two year old and a four year old who had forgotten that they liked each other and were screaming at each other instead.  I came away Tuesday evening feeling so defeated.  My kids had put their worst behavior on display, I hadn't gotten to host the way I wanted, and I had cried in public.  I had let the world know I didn't have it all together.

The rest of the week went similarly.  Being poured out again and again and feeling like their was nothing left to give and that what you did have to give wasn't good enough.  Struggles with my looks, doubts of my parenting skills, feeling trapped by the duties of motherhood...I was drowning in doubt and hopelessness.  And I feel like the Lord let me stay there for awhile, and it wasn't until today that I realized why.  I NEEDED to be allowed to run on empty for awhile.  Why? Because it reminded me of my need of Jesus.  If I forget to eat breakfast in the morning, my body eventually starts sending me signals that I am in need of energy...tiredness, dizziness, shakiness, headaches...all of which point to fatigue.  It reminds me I need to fuel my body with something to keep me going.  It's the same way in our spiritual walk....the Lord will let us run ourselves into the ground sometimes because it points to our humanness and our inability to minister outside of His power.  And in our weakness His power is shown.  

The funny thing is that THIS week, I've had so much encouragement and reassurance in ministry.  I actually got a conversation in with our small group.  Someone complimented and admired my parenting that they witnessed on a day when i felt more like Miss Hannigan and less like Mary Poppins.  God is so good to not only use us in spite of our weakness but also our weaknesses themselves to point others to Him.  Are you running on empty? Run to Him!  Let your weaknesses remind you and point others to Christ's surpassing power and worth! Let's be willing to be emptied of ourselves to be filled back up with Him!